“The greatest epidemic affecting our society is loneliness.” It’s a theory that a friend of mine has frequently referenced, originally shared by one of his college professors. In his estimation, everything from obesity and chronic disease to abuse and neglect can be traced back to feeling lonely. It’s at the root of all that is wrong with the world.

While I don’t necessarily disagree with loneliness being a major player in whatever-the-hell is going on with the world, I’d like to throw another card on the table.

Delusion.

Perhaps I’m alone in this, but I can’t seem to escape the consequences of delusional mentalities…and I’m not talking about my own (we’ll get to those later). It really boils down to the discrepancy between reality and perception. While I completely get that “reality” is up for debate, I just so happen not to buy into most people’s definition of it. Even more, I’m pretty sure if we, as a culture, snapped the fuck out of our delusions, we could get some things done. Take care of business. Suffer from Shaken Baby Syndrome, maybe. But whatever. It’d be worth it.

This goes for the large scale (governmental beliefs that printing more money will get us through tough times, making the first cuts in education funding to arts programs, etc.) to the small scale (thinking that just because leggings are the trend, your ass looks good in them. It doesn’t).

On a personal level, the most frustrating instances have been coming from a delusional sense of having things “figured out.” By “things,” I mean one’s self, life in general, others, etc. Because here’s the thing—you don’t. While I can’t say that I do either, I can say that such delusional claims—in and of themselves—are an indication that someone has a long, long way to go.

Okay. Enough of the vague. Specifics. Here we go…

Anyone who uses the phrase “self-aware” to describe himself is a joke. As is his self-awareness. While he’s at it, he should go ahead and tell you how independent and humble he is. Because those qualities, when self-proclaimed, are totally legit. Right. It’s a fact. Like the Bible.

One who thinks that problems fix themselves is another one to stay away from. Whether they be health, emotional or psychological, these are problems that may be swept under the rug, but won’t make for a magic carpet ride. Quite the opposite. They make for a ride in a runaway Prius. Sorry ‘bout your luck, Toyota, and sorry about your delusions, people.

Overall, delusion is like the…uhhh…simple(?) minded person who learns a new word and subsequently uses it. A lot. Incorrectly. And mispronounces it. That’s what delusion is like.

Oh yeah. This is not to say I’m without delusions of my own. As promised, here are some of mine, should it make you feel better:

-My retirement plan is “money will find me.”
-Slow & steady wins the race.
-Buying a size medium t-shirt will motivate me to do more abdominal exercises.

And that picture above? It’s me. In college. Age 18. Talk about delusional—I thought those clothes fit me. And that I could like girls if I really, really tried.

See? I never said I’m exempt. But now I’m 10 years older and not a Toyota owner.